Would you rather walk alone or with a crowd going in the wrong direction?
KEY THOUGHT: There’s only one thing that gets in the way of authenticity – the need for approval.
BUSIC THEMES: Take back your voice, Say what you need to say, Stop trying to be someone you’re not, Lose you to find me
“Through accepting my own individuality, which I can’t expect everyone else to recognize and pat me on the back for, I shape my goals and desire.” (Carl Rogers)
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
“Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?” (Fanny Brice)
“If you’re acting like a sheep, don’t blame the shepherd.” (Papaji)
“The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask. I have shed my mask.” (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)
“Caution – If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” (Bené Brown)
“When you allow yourself to be carried along by what other people think your life should be, could be, must be; when you hand them the pen and tell them to write your life story, you don’t get the pen back. Not easily anyway.” (Shauna Niequist)
I had come off the Gratitude busic on a high. Feeling grateful had indeed increased my access to the present. And interestingly, the more I was actually able to stay present, the more grateful I became. It was as if the path between gratitude and the living in the present was a two-way street. Being grateful helped me stay present, and staying present caused me to be more grateful.
Another concept that seems to flow both ways with respect to living in the present is – Authenticity. You need to have some sense of your authentic self to be able to be present in your life. And the more you are able to stay present, the easier it is to remain authentic.
However, as soon I started to build the Authenticity busic (which was actually quite easy because so many musicians have had to fight to remain authentic), I came to a very distressing conclusion – I knew nothing about authenticity.
Constantly keeping one eye on how I was perceived had not only limited my access to the present, it had also buried who I wanted to be under a heavy layer of other people’s opinions and desires. I was always subconsciously thinking: what can I do to show what I can do or say to fit in. The result was that I had limited skills in saying what I really felt. My filter for “what-do they-want-to-hear” was too impervious for that information to get through.
The question that now occurred to me was simple:
- Who do you really want to be – When you’re not so busy pleasing to gain the approval of others?
So, while I still valued my traits of being cheerful and caring, I was utterly convinced of my need for some personality cross training. I needed to gain access to traits on the other side of the coin from pleasing. However, as soon as I attempted to explore those traits, I made an important discovery. Any words associated with not considering the other person’s point of view had a very strong negative undercurrent in my vocabulary. Traits like: candid, direct, frank, and forthright. In short, anything that approached sincerity in self-expression.
Now, if you are saying, “But those words don’t have any such negative meanings,” I ask you to reconsider. Each word has only the personal meaning ascribed to it based on the individual’s past experiences. And, most importantly, all words, especially adjectives, can have either a positive or negative slant. This connotation is assigned by the individual. In my lexicon, based on the pleasing and proving beliefs that had indeed saved my life, those words associated with sincerity did indeed have a powerful negative slant.
I decided the solution was simple: I merely needed to re-language myself. I had to move the words I associated with sincerity from the column labeled “Always Negative” into the column labeled “Sometimes Positive.” In short, I had to adjust the vocabulary I used to describe myself if I hoped to use personality cross training to move me closer to authentic living in the present.
I began my re-languaging efforts by trying to see the positive side of words like: frank and forthright. But, as female raised in a Catholic family and taught, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” I couldn’t go near those words, except in corporate settings, never in personal relationships. So I took to the thesaurus and the word I found was probity. It was a word that I didn’t really know. But it included the qualities I was aiming to integrate: sincerity, honesty, and integrity.
For months, I inched my way in the direction of probity and ultimately saw limited, but progressive success. Along the probity path, I passed many signposts that I had not seen previously. Signposts labeled: critical and genuine. I began to complain about things I didn’t like, not early and certainly not well, but I did gain access to a more critical voice. I learned that I had to state a negative feeling at the time it arose because if I didn’t do it at that point, my ego-mind would later convince me to keep quiet about my feelings – just as it always had.
Slowly but surely, I began to trust that I didn’t need to mask my genuine feelings in order to feel safe and loved. In short, I started to feel comfortable with the quality that had so long eluded me, having a PERSONAL STANCE. (Yes, I see the pun.) I began accepting the possibility of being authentic enough to stand on my own two feet, even when others wouldn’t approve or be pleased.
I have to admit that this Authenticity busic playlist was one of the hardest for me to wrap my head around. One time, when I went to write in my journal: “I don’t need to be liked – I need to be myself,” I actually wrote: “I don’t need to be liked – I need to be liked.” You really can’t lie to yourself. Learning not to adjust what you say or do to please others is a very hard lesson.
It’s a particularly difficult lesson because you have to stop listening to the stories about who you have to be that were stored in your ego-mind from your past experiences. I think you hear that level of angst in the songs in this Authenticity busic playlist. The singers in many of the songs are mad. They’re mad at the people who tried to make them become something they weren’t. They’re also mad at themselves for letting someone else’s opinions matter more than their own.
Many of the singers in the Authenticity busic playlist are female. Past gender roles dictated that females were responsible for the social side of the tribe and therefore, needed to listen to and accommodate the voices of other people. As these gender roles begin to fade, women are starting to re-find their authentic voices.
The songs in this busic reminded me that authentic is just another word for real. And R.E.A.L. is merely an acronym for:
Recognize – Recognize your authentic feelings.
Explore – Explore why those feelings have come about.
Accept – Accept those feelings – even the ones you wish you didn’t have.
Live – Live your authentic life.
As I said at the start, the good news is that once you start to recognize, explore, accept and live from your real feelings, it becomes much easier to live in the present. And once you are living in the present, it becomes much easier to be real and authentic. Authenticity and present-moment living really do go hand in hand.
If you are pretending to be someone you’re not, in order to meet the expectations or desires of other people, you eventually get confused about who you really are. And being confused about your own identity is a very bad starting point for creating an authentic life in the present. In the words of Paulo Coelho, “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”
8. Authenticity
Absolutely Not – Deborah Cox (Extended Mix)
- “Should I wear my hair in a ponytail? – Should I dress myself up in Chanel? – Do I measure me by what you think? – Absolutely not.”
“Do I measure me by what you think?” In which circumstances can you answer: “Absolutely not!”? When do the opinions of others still hold sway? How could you say boldly, “My picture never fit your frame”?
America’s Sweetheart – Elle King
- “You tryna change me, you can go to hell – Cause I don’t wanna be nobody else.”
Many people told me, “You’ll never be the poster type.” When were you told that? Do those judgments still impact how you behave? How good would it feel to “light a match and burn them down”?
Brave – Sara Bareilles
- “Everybody’s been there – Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy – Fallen for the fear – And done some disappearing.”
“Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way the words do as they settle ‘neath your skin.” Don’t you know? “Your history of silence won’t do you any good.” I wonder what would happen if you, “Say what you wanna say”?
Close Your Eyes – Meghan Trainor
- “Everybody’s born to be different – That’s the one thing that makes us the same – So don’t you let their words try to change you – Don’t let them make you into something you ain’t.”
Trainor has fought the stereotypical views of beauty. “I don’t care what they think. No, I’m not listening. ‘Cause I know I’m beautiful.” What images do you need to “Close Your Eyes” to?
Complicated – Avril Lavigne
- “You’re watchin’ your back like you can’t relax – You’re tryin’ to be cool – You look like a fool to me.”
Following other people’s styles always makes life “Complicated” and gets in the way of being authentic. When do you become “Somebody else ’round everyone else.“ Don’t “you know, you’re not fooling anyone”?
Dollhouse – Melanie Martinez
- “Everyone thinks that we’re perfect – Please don’t let them look through the curtains.”
A “plastic doll” is the antithesis of authenticity. When do you “get in your places, put on your dresses, and put on your doll faces”? In what ways do you strive for a perfect “Dollhouse” to gain the approval of others?
Fight Song – Rachel Platten
- “All those things I didn’t say were wrecking balls inside my brain.”
What things that you didn’t say were, or are, “wrecking balls inside your brain”? How could you sing your “take back your life song – prove that you’re all right song”? What would it take to say, “I don’t really care if nobody else believes.“
King of Anything – Sara Bareilles
- “Who cares if you disagree? – You are not me – Who made you king of anything?”
”All your life, have you tried to make everyone happy, while you just hurt and hide”? Are you still “waiting for someone to tell you that it’s your turn to decide?” To which people in your life have you handed the crown… and why?
Know Who You Are – Cast of Moana
- “They have stolen the heart from inside you – But this does not define you – This is not who you are.”
This song expresses the meaning of authenticity in five words: “You know who you are.”
Let Me Be Myself – 3 Doors Down
- “I guess I just got lost bein’ someone else – I tried to kill the pain – Nothin’ ever helped.”
What parts of you have you “left behind somewhere along the way”? Who do you want to tell: “Would you one time just let me be myself?”
Lose You to Find Me – Selena Gomez
- “I needed to lose you to find me – This dance, it was killing me softly – I needed to hate you to find me.”
These lyrics capture the pain of losing yourself for the sake of another. Especially, if you “saw the signs and you ignored it.” Have you ever “put someone first” in a way that was “killing you softly”? How did that damage your sense of self?
Lovely – Sara Haze
- “I don’t wanna be her – I just want to be little old me – Shouldn’t have to think – Who am I supposed to be today?”
These lyrics celebrate the joy of true authenticity: “I feel lovely just the way that I am.” How could you learn to feel lovely just the way you are? That stance allows you to ask: “What gave you the right to tell me who I should be?”
The Middle – Jimmy Eat World
- “Hey, don’t write yourself off yet – It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on – Just try your best in everything you can –And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.”
This song’s advice is clear: “Live right now. Just be yourself. It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.”
Miss Me More – Kelsea Ballerini
- “I thought I’d miss you – But I miss me more.”
Sometimes along the way to authenticity, you have to let some people or things go. But what you inevitably find is, while you may miss them, there’s no greater loss than losing yourself. Who in your life did you “turn yourself inside out” for?
Mr. Know It All – Kelly Clarkson
- “Well, ya think you know it all – But ya don’t know a thing at all – Yeah, baby, you don’t know a thing about me.”
Some people need to hear, “You ain’t got the right to tell me when and where to go, no right to tell me.” Which beliefs about yourself came from someone who “didn’t know a thing about you”?
Roar – Katy Perry
- I sit quietly agree politely – I guess that I forgot I had a choice – I let you push me past the breaking point.”
When do you “bite your tongue and hold your breath, scared to rock the boat and make a mess”? Can’t you see how that behavior leads to: “I stood for nothing so I fell for everything”? When will you be ready to “Roar”?
Second Chance – Shinedown
- “Tell my mother, tell my father – I’ve done the best I can – To make them realize – This is my life.”
Parents often drew tight circles around what was acceptable. When did you first learn that it wasn’t safe to be authentic? Is it time for you to say, “Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”
Sparrow – Jordan Smith
- “To those who told you what you are ain’t good enough – Let ’em know that you will rise above.”
“Who clipped your wings and put you down? – Who ever thought one word could tie you to the ground?” What should you say to anyone who tells you “what you are ain’t good enough”?
This Time – Pia Toscano
- “My bag is packed at the back of your door – Cause I don’t know who I am no more – You won the battle but you lost the war.”
“I’ve been in denial, now I’m living the truth. Been down for a while, now I’m standing up to you.” When have you been “holding back the real you”? How could you get that person back?
Who Says – Selena Gomez & the Scene
- “Who says you don’t pass the test? – Who says you can’t be the best? – Who said? Who said?”
Has anyone ever “made you insecure; told you you weren’t good enough”? Rooting out all those voices is the key to asking, “Who are you to judge?” And asserting with pride: “I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me.”
CONCLUSION
There’s a great metaphor for authenticity. It gives a visual representation for how to stop listening to what other people think is best for you. Martha Beck calls it shredding your Everybody. “Looking closely at your Everybody and tearing it into little pieces if necessary is the first step toward breaking destructive patterns and finding encouragement in your quest for your own North star.”
You can want to be yourself or you can want to be who others want you to be. You can’t do both. Authenticity required me to let go of the desire to control how others perceived me. I didn’t need that approval anymore because I finally approved of my authentic self – just as I was, always had been, and always would be.
[(CARTOON – SINGLE FRAME) MAN AND WOMEN TALKING AT BAR – WOMAN SAYING, “I DON’T HAVE ANY AUTHENTICITY. BUT I WILL GET SOME IF IT WILL MAKE YOU LIKE ME.]
NEW APP
Come Out of the Closet
Pick one aspect of your authentic personality that you put under wraps because it wasn’t approved of. Something that was part of you as a kid, but that has gone into hiding. As an example, I picked being loud. I had dropped much of my passionate persona in my efforts to fit in. So now I brought that loud, jibing aspect of myself back out of the closet. I knew I had nailed this change when one our friends started teasing me with, “We’re just waiting for Loretta’s extravert to show up.”
But you’ll know you’re really being successful at bringing back a dropped part of yourself when you get negative feedback from someone as you make the shift. Another friend commented, “You shouldn’t change your nice – I like your nice.”
Those types of feedback, both positive and negative, will help you ascertain which aspects of yourself are still important to you and which parts should stay in the closet. The key is that, this time, you get to make that choice – for and by yourself.
OPERATING SYSTEM UPDATE 
Codependent No More or Journey to the Heart – Melody Beattie
The seminal work that recognized authenticity required releasing any fetters that were bound to someone else’s needs and wants was Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More. I have to admit that I’m writing about it from memory because I lent my copy out to someone. It’s that kind of book; everybody should read it at least once. The subtitle cuts to the chase: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.
The book establishes how the need to control other people’s thoughts and behaviors gets in the way of being who you are. A codependent person is one who lets another person’s opinions or behavior affect him or her, and who is therefore obsessed with controlling that person. Thus, a codependent person is the antithesis of an authentic person. If you have any tendency to perform in ways to get another to like you, to get another to feel happier, or to get another to behave differently, this book will convince you of the implicit futility of that approach.
The other Beattie book, Journey to the Heart, moves further. Once the bonds tying you to someone else’s desires have been severed, it’s possible to begin exploring your own authentic desires. As the subtitle states, this book is organized as: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul. The book follows Beattie’s journey as she attempts to reconnect more deeply with her authentic self. It gives good guidance for others on the path back to re-finding themselves.
2 thoughts on “8. Authenticity”
bVUm KfWv lJp gyhxo GHny ktNVaes
PcgPjUvO TcSBzucR uzCye JTqHa mlzcmBIQ bbUGlUrD joUZOZP