3. Live Your Life

I titled the next busic: Live Your Life. By this time, I had started to realize that my childhood programming, as well-intended and beneficial as it had been, was now getting in my way. That programming was causing me to constantly focus on the future and, therefore, be unable to live my life in the present.

At this point in my journey – since it was clear that my issues in accessing the present stemmed from what had been programmed into my mind – I did the only logical thing: I went into weekly therapy. In addition, since I was still the Type-A overachiever I had come to be, I closed up my educational development firm and went back to graduate school to get a degree in Counseling and Organizational Psychology. (If you still doubted that I was too driven to exceed all expectations, I trust this fact has finally changed your mind.)

I got some marginal results from my year of counseling, especially in issues with my family of origin. But I can’t say I got much from the masters in psychology. In my opinion, psychology, as a science, is still a fledgling trying to learn how to fly. So I quickly went back to my career in educational publishing.

However, I did get exposed to one concept that significantly altered my belief structures. That concept was called: Contingency Theory.

Contingency Theory came out of research done by a psychologist named Fred Fiedler. Fiedler did a massive study to determine the best style of leadership. His basic question was: Are people motivated to produce more widgets by bosses who are authoritative? (The take charge: “You go do this” type.) Or by bosses who are alliance builders? (The team approach: “We’re all in this together” type.) Many companies and many employees later, the answer was a resounding – it depends.

In very bad circumstances, where the company was about to go under or the time pressures were extreme, authoritative bosses were more effective.  Likewise, in very good circumstances, where the market for widgets was exploding and everyone was getting big raises, authoritative bosses were also more effective.  However, in the middle ground, when things were neither too bad nor too good, alliance-building bosses fared better.

Thus, Contingency Theory is in favor of flexibility and against having beliefs “preset” in advance. But the problem is that “presetness” is precisely what any original script is here to provide. Any original script, no matter what the childhood circumstances, set some traits as more beneficial than others. When in reality, it is the ability to stay flexible and choose traits appropriate to the circumstances that is better in the long run.

Contingency Theory convinced me that I needed to develop some previously undeveloped traits. (You obviously can’t chose to use traits that you don’t have.) Since my difficulty living in the present moment seemed to stem from overusing certain ingrained traits, any progress would require purposefully going against the grain and developing those previously under-utilized characteristics.

At this point, I started to think in terms of personality cross training. Since “personality cross training” is another term like busics that I made up, I’ll start with a definition of cross training. Here’s what Wikipedia says: “Often one particular activity works certain muscle groups, but not others; cross training aims to eliminate this imbalance… to overcome the shortcomings of one style by practicing another style which is strong in the appropriate area.”

What if the need for cross training the body, because of the inevitable, related shortcomings, also applied to the beliefs that were stored in my mind and had, therefore, come to make up my personality? 

My life up to that point, for the reasons I disclosed before, had focused exclusively being seen as capable and considerate. In short, on PROVING and PLEASING.

PROVING – My overriding need to prove to others that I wasn’t handicapped led me to strive to exceed all expectations. One of my competitors once asked a Vice President at Macmillan why he outsourced so many projects to my development firm, and he had replied, “If I give it to Loretta, I know that it’s done.”

PLEASING – Likewise, because of my need to overcome the rejection I had experienced, my desire to please others had led me to become adept at being likable. I could get along with almost anybody while maintaining a nonjudgmental, optimistic perspective. Somebody once said, “You’ll never need Prosac, you are Prosac.”

But what if in order to grow – I needed to turn the valve the other way?

That’s what the concept of personality cross training suggested to me. I began to believe that while my previous qualities kept the world around me happy, it was those very attempts at proving and pleasing that were now getting in my way. I needed to cross train my personality and develop previously neglected traits if I had any hopes of living in the present.

Now if all of this seems extremely self-evident to you, let me assure you that it had been in no way self-evident to me. I had been programmed to believe very specific beliefs. And the idea of turning away from the very qualities that had kept me safe thus far brought up my ego’s critical voice. And that voice was both confused and panicked.

• “Being responsible and reliable (aka proving) is what has shown people what you can do despite your disabilities.”
• “Being cheerful and caring (aka pleasing) is what has led people to stop rejecting you.”

But my ego’s loudest complaint was:

• “You can’t go in the opposite direction because you have no idea how to do it, and you will definitely and most assuredly suck at it if you try!”

Clearly, my mind thought that going in the opposite direction from the traits I had built my life upon was neither sane nor safe. But I had finally convinced the one person that mattered – myself – that I had to try.

The songs in the Live Your Life busic playlist provided great support for my efforts. I found it comforting to know that many singers were also fighting the valiant fight to be themselves and live the life they valued. It was reassuring to have Kris Allen remind me, “Living doesn’t come first try. It takes a lifetime getting it right.” Or Bon Jovi declare in his inimitable style: “It’s my life. It’s now or never; I ain’t gonna live forever. I just wanna live while I’m alive.”

I had finally concluded that I needed to use the concept of personality cross training to turn the valve the other way. I needed to rewrite my beliefs that striving for perfection (to prove what I could do) and performing (to please others) were necessary to prevent me from being looked on as inferior and rejected. Otherwise, those beliefs would continue to prevent me from living my present life, which was indeed the only life I had left to live.